Journal Entry- June 8, 2019

It was nice to hear from Carlyn and Jeff. I have work friends! I didn’t even really know that I had work friends. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. I mean, I know that Jeff is my friend, and Carlyn is my friend. But I guess I never really put it together that they miss me. When they remodeled our department, they put our offices at the very end of the hallway near the Psych classroom. We decided that they had banished us to the Outer Belt because we are such SF/Fantasy geeks. So mostly we founded our own nation state and established our own little email list to talk to each other when we aren’t at work, and I haven’t been at work for 6 months. We mostly talk about what books and movies we’re going to read and watch during winter and summer breaks, because it is the only time we get to read recreationally. You need to understand that this is VERY EXCITING.  We often go out for lunch during finals week, just to plan our watch schedule. I wasn’t at work, so I didn’t get to do that. And mostly I haven’t been doing much even though I am at home. Mostly going to the wound clinic. Some staring at the walls. Cleaning the house compulsively in an attempt to feel like my life is still, somehow in some way, under my control.

Carlyn starts the conversation with what books she’s reading and some that she thinks we should read together. Then we watch and argue over email. This time, however, that included a mini series based on a beloved book by a favorite author- which I did not watch. This got Jeff and Carlyn very concerned about me, so all these emails are an elaborate mental health check. And now I realize that I have work friends. It means a lot that they miss me, and that they want to have this conversation with me. I’m included. And then I started to talk about being depressed. They were so happy to hear that I finally had named it.

Carlyn started to tell me about fan ficton, by writing an email that was completely unintelligible. It was not in English. I laughed, and she encouraged m by sending me YouTube videos to watch. On fan fiction. Instructional videos on how to read fan fiction. As I’m sitting here watching these videos, I’m laughing that I need instruction on how to read my friend’s email. I did learn a few things. I told her that I’d go poke around.

Seriously, do not go poke around. There are things you just can’t unread. I generally consider myself pretty unshockable. Living in San Francisco during the leather heyday of the 90s skews the lens on such things. But I obviously underestimated the endless possibilities of the human imagination. Carlyn then told me to go to this one website and stay there while she curated my entry into this world. It’s her passion and she was extremely excited to share it with me, especially since Jeff has decreed that he wants to read books and talk about them and is not interested in learning a new language. But now that I have work friends, I’m motivated to find things to do together. Especially since I can’t walk or drive or get around much anymore. It makes me feel a little less like I have disappeared. I rattle around this house like a ghost, wheeling in my office chair, waiting for my wounds to heal. I might as well learn something new, especially if it makes Carlyn happy.