Ok, so he gave me very clear instructions, but contacting the ancient and mighty ones of the outer dark isn’t like sending a text. But I gave it my best shot. It took me a couple of times. I know we think about contacting spirits, especially when they are specifically invoked, as this great miasma swirling up from the ground while we motion with our arms like underdressed drag queens. This is not the way it works. It’s a lot more like tuning an old tv antenna that has extensions made of aluminum foil. It’s not an exact science. And what you get back, at first, isn’t easily understood. The thing we underestimate is the sheer determination of Guardians. They will keep trying.
It does make one feel a bit foolish lying there naked. It’s not like they stand you up. It’s more like they show up and you speak different languages. I tell my students that it’s like internet dating. Everything can be going splendidly, but when you meet in person, you’re never sure what is going to happen.
I finally understood, though. I’m supposed to offer what I had to give, holy longing. So, I did. I tried to call up this feeling, and it isn’t something that can just be summoned. But it can be summoned by chanting or repeated singing. I had done that before. I started to sing some chants I knew that were specifically devotional. That grew into just singing a repeated tune. And that fell into keening, of actually weeping with desire, of clawing at my pillow and crying. In the silence that happened when I stopped crying, I could feel something touch my shoulder, as if a person were sitting at the head of my bed. And in my head, I could hear this very resonant voice say, “How can we resist this? This is what we want.”
I turned over and asked, “what is it that you want?” I was unsure of what he was going to say.
“Your love.”
“Oh,” I said. I started to laugh. “Well, here I am! How do I love you?”
“Like this,” he said.
Folks, you can try to pretty things up all you like, but witches have sex with spirits. Just like in the old stories. That part of it is 100% the truth. You might as well get used to that idea now. In fact, we have sex with all kinds of things. It doesn’t always look like having sex with humans, because so many things in the worlds are not human. However, in the end, people are people. Non-solids behave very much like solids. And everyone appreciates respect, even if you might get the etiquette wrong now and then.
Also, there are lots of ways of communicating. Some are easier than others. But I appreciate when someone tries to say something of great effort. And in my ear, not my mind, I could hear the word “offering” as if it was spoken through a large brass instrument. Not sure what that is about, but I felt precious and loved and something else I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Necessary? Am I necessary? And now I just keep singing this song. The words are “I will believe the truth about myself, no matter how beautiful it is.” My truth is beautiful. I am beautiful, and for some reason, I am necessary. I’m just getting started and there is a learning curve here. We’ll figure it out.
Seyewailo 