Doing a deep dive. Spent today trying to unravel losses I couldn’t even touch before. I’m going to be having the same surgery in the same hospital as a friend who deeply hurt and betrayed me. I don’t use that word lightly. Mighty B is encouraging me to try it on for size, and to remember that I’m having the same surgery in the same hospital and with the same doctor as my beloved friend Leonorewho was the real (and surprising) jewel I got out of being part of that group of people. Harri was an old lefty fat dyke activist. She and her partner were once besties with me and my girlfriend at the time. I loved Harri’s sparkling eyes, which always meant she was up to no good. She might even have been one of the smartest people I know. And that is saying something. But after the surgery, I never really saw Harri again. The person who was there in her place was not Harri. Or maybe it was the Harri that was never allowed to be out. As we tried to find friends who could help provide home care for Harri, it became clear that there was a long history of abuse in this circle of friends. Harri did her fair share of it, too. I ended up filling in the gaps in her care, a lot. We always talked as if we were family. But when I left my girlfriend, it was a mess. Public, awful, I lost this whole group of friends. Harri never forgave me for leaving my girlfriend. I was expected to just put up with bad treatment because that was what was expected of me for the sake of harmony. So, even though I had been friends with Harri for 17 years, she decided to pick my ex-girlfriend over me. She was my best friend when she went into the hospital. My best friend. When she got an infection in the knee, she blamed it on the stress from having to watch my breakup. And she picked my ex-girlfriend because she was a damsel in distress. I never really fit into their Butch/Femme crowd. I’ve always been a monster, and my gender is part of that. I just don’t give a fuck about it. I did give a fuck about Harri. And Harri was mean and dismissive. I could not stay. And even though people knew how bad things were, I was still expected to have contact with an ex who was exceedingly cruel. I know that I still carry grief in my body for the loss of Harri. I called her out for leaving me one time. She was so mad. But even at her death, she was trying to find a way to make it all about me. Somehow, I must let her go. She’s been dead a year now. Oh, yes, didn’t I say? She died from the complications from her surgery. I admit that I am terrified that the same will happen to me. Oh, Harri, I really loved you. I am still angry at losing you, to drugs and pain and all the cognitive changes you went through. The sparkle that left your eyes. Harri, I am not sorry I left you. Even if I loved you. You betrayed me. I let that roll around on my tongue like wine. Betrayed. You left me with no choice. It’s time to cut cords, uncross and reverse, and drain this out of me. I will not share my old friend’s fate. I have built a stronger and more blessed family. And I have a lot of work to do before I go. I have a “star” on my palm that connects my fate line and my lifeline. I have a destiny to fulfill. But for now, I mostly have work to do.
Instead, I am going to see myself as more like Leonore. We didn’t get along at first, but Leonore has proved herself to be very loyal. And strangely enough, the only friend from that group of people that I kept in my life. Leonore brought me to her doctor, and she did fabulously. Her knees are much better. So, I must embrace her story, not Harri’s. I need to believe that I will survive. And thrive.
I have been cleared for all the wounds that kept me from getting surgery during the first part of the year, but now a new mysterious wound has opened on my hip. It’s not from pressure or from an injury. It just came up and looks like someone took a big circle out of my hip with a cookie cutter. Like something bit me and took a chunk of me with it. The surgery is now postponed until this wound on my hip gets better. I’m so angry at it. And I know that somehow, I must find kindness for this wound. But it is so hard.
Dealing with the depression of all these things is a challenge. Having a devotional practice helps. Meditating helps. Remembering to eat helps. But I admit that there are days when it all catches up to me, when I realize that I won’t be going back to work in the fall. I’m also feeling a bit terrified by the work of dealing with all this old grief when it rises to the top. Is this grief itself giving me wounds now? That hardly seems fair. And yet, if it means that I can move past the grief around Harri, maybe it is there to help me survive this.
Seyewailo 